Cats and Alien Invasions: Part One

The TV is on mute, but the lady on Fine Living channel looks like she has an annoying voice – I can tell by the veins popping out of her neck whenever she moves her stiff jaw.

I look at the cat. It isn’t my cat, but I think we both have a silent understanding about the hierarchy of power and how it is distributed under this roof. The cat owns me, and pretending to have the upper hand around him is useless.

The lady looks at me like I’m crazy. I have been narrating the previous paragraph out loud while staring at the cat. The lady gapes at me: “The fuck is wrong with you?”

“The fuck is wrong with you? You’re inside the TV, so stick to your own business. Go back to your failed, economically friendly, organic and chemical free beauty products. God knows you need them.”

“God is dead, bitch. Geez, I’m just asking you out of pure concern. It’s so sad to see bright and young people getting swept away by the power of demonic creatures like that godforsaken cat. You look dehydrated by the way. You might want to consider trying out my supersonic skin hydrate.”

The cat turns his head nonchalantly towards the TV: “The name is Orpheus, you fucking dimwit. I’ve been aware of  how much you watch us through the screen. Go back to being a wannabe dermatologist. This is your first and last warning.”

I stare into space, just trying to make sense of what’s going on. I am speaking with a cat and a lady on TV, the lady on TV is speaking with the cat and me, and my cat is speaking with the lady who’s on TV.

My flow of thoughts is interrupted by Orpheus: “Turn off the TV and pet me with your eyes.”

“Wait, Orpheus, your hair looks dry and rough, I have the perfect sol__”

I turn off the TV and move my eyes along Orpheus’s fur.

“Good. That’s enough for now. My friends have arrived. They’re outside. Open the window and greet them.”

I open the window, and there’s no one there.

“There’s no one there, Orpheus.”

“Look up to the sky, you fucking idiot.”

I look up and there’s a huge oval UFO, made of some sort of metal, hovering over the building I live in. A beam of rainbow colored light shines on my face, and I shut my eyes tight. My eyes start burning but I open them again slowly to see that, at the end of the light beam, there’s an opening. A strange looking fellow stands on the side and gives me the peace sign.

“Orpheus, who is that?”

“I told you it’s a friend. Now come lift me up and stand near the window again so I could greet him.”

I lift him up and go to the window.

“Hey Ramsey, How you doin’?”

Ramsey gives him the peace sign. “Yo, Orpho, got anything new for me?” Then pointing at me, he adds, “She looks like fresh meet.”

“Nah, she’s too dumb to be experimented on. But the lady on Fine Living channel, the one with the annoying voice…”

“Say no more, Orpho. That bitch has it coming.”

The beam of light is turned off, and Ramsey sticks out his middle finger to me before disappearing inside the huge oval. Moments later, the oval disappears as well.

“What did he mean when he said that I look like fresh meet?”

“He was speaking English right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well then, it’s clear what he meant. Now take me to bed; I’m tired.”

I open the window again and nonchalantly throw Orpheus down from the 20th floor. I look down to see if he’s dead, but all I see is him being sucked up through a rainbow colored spotlight with his middle finger raised up. As soon as he disappears into the UFO, the machine turns around and reveals a cockpit. Orpheus and Ramsey stare at me from the inside, and I give both of them the middle finger. A thunderous sound comes from the UFO. Apparently the douche-bags have decided to prepare their weapons and aim them at my window.