Cats and Alien Invasions: Part Two

Instead of running away as soon as I noticed the weapons, I just stood there glaring at Orpheus. Then I started daydreaming about possible scenarios where the weapons and the UFO do not exist. All of that didn’t matter. I took one last glance at Orpheus and pretended to be sad that things have ended up this way. The idiot cat seemed to have believed the pained expression on my face. The weapons were drawn back and the UFO hovered a bit higher and finally rested on the rooftop of the building facing mine. I went back in to think about a way to end this bullshit, and that’s when I remembered the lady on Fine Living channel. I had to reach her before they did.

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve always believed that extraterrestrials existed and have been a fanatic of movies related to them. I wanted to be prepared and create weapons in case they turned out to be like the bad guys from the movies, video games, and numerous blogs out there about alien invasions. I devised a secret lab I could reach through my closet. It was easy to keep it from Orpheus, since he sleeps 17 hours a day. So that left me with plenty of time to build the lab which extended to the empty apartment next door. The people who own it have been in a dispute about what price to sell it at since their father died. They decided to not let anybody get it, and that is how I got my secret laboratory.

I ran towards the bookshelves on the living-room wall, then I pulled out Julian Barnes’ The Sense of An Ending and I couldn’t help but laugh at this pun. As the bookshelves started moving to the left, Eye of The Tiger started playing from the laboratory speakers. I was on beast mode and the adrenaline hyped me up even more, so I had to take a nap just to be chill enough to start working. After my power nap, I headed to my work station (in case you’re wondering, yes, the laboratory doors automatically closed after I entered) and looked at the blueprints of a new weapon I’ve been meaning to replicate from a cartoon movie which involved meatballs falling out of the sky. I decided to call this weapon The Meatball Gag. 

Basically, my weapon has the ability to 3D print meatballs from one meat ball which I need to place in the ammunition socket (I only change it every three days for it not to get foul). This instantaneous production of meatballs is only possible when I pull the trigger, which is locked until the automated aim is focused on an enemy. The weapon has the ability to target any kind of carnivorous species and only selects the target after an oral command I give the weapon. The weapon radiates a frequency that that species would understand and force it to open it’s mouth for the meatballs to get in. The person being force fed the meatballs gags, chokes, and dies (because the frequency disables the body to control the nervous system.)

I finished the weapon at midnight. I left the gun in the lab, and headed back to my living room. I sneaked near the window and peered to the outside to see if the UFO was still there. It was. I smiled and turned on the TV. I had to speak with the lady on Fine Living and fill her in on my plan. She was the key to all of this working or ending. But first I would have to inform her that we need to speak from a different TV (the one in my lab), so that Orpheus and Ramsey wouldn’t be able to hack the satellite and find her before I do (since I had my own satellite station and nobody knew about it except the people who gave me the license to launch it into outer space a few years ago.)

The lady’s show was not on yet. I forgot that it only airs on Mondays and Thursdays. I had to wait until tomorrow, it would be a Monday. I checked the time of airing and it was at 9 a.m. sharp. The ones in the UFO probably knew that too by now. I would have to speak in symbols tomorrow and continue pretending to be sad, all while hinting to the lady that I was going to transport her to my satellite frequency.

I got it! I would ask her to meet me at a non-existent address which would be the satellite frequency number and hope that she is smart enough to understand what the numbers actually mean. She would have to cut her program mid-way to meet “a fan who is so distressed from her skin allergies, she’s thinking about killing herself” if the lady doesn’t personally offer the help. Brilliant.

To be continued…

Want to know what happened in Part One? Click here.

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